This morning I woke up with a fresh dream in my head from the night. I dreamt about baby turtles.
I was in a house that seemed dilapidated, like it was falling down and I was standing by a door that looked out onto a brick porch that looked like it just collapsed recently in the middle of it. As I was looking at it, I had the sense of wanting to go out and walk on it and stand on the edge to see the view. A man in the house looked at me and could see I wanted to go out there. He stopped me and warned with concern in his voice, “Please don't go out there, it's dangerous”.
I stood there thinking about what he said and contemplating whether I would listen to him or follow my desire. I really want to see the view, I’m so curious, I thought. I looked around at the porch again wondering whether or not I wanted to make the journey. As I was looking at the ground of the porch, all of the sudden I saw baby turtles come through the cracks and start crawling around exploring the broken porch. They were just walking about curiously.
I called a friend to share the dream with and she explained what a baby turtle meant to her. She said a baby turtle is new and doesn't have the ability of a grown turtle yet. It has little experience and is vulnerable.
I started to cry. This is me, I said "I am a beginner!”
In the past few weeks I have been meeting and talking with many amazing powerful women. They are doing what their hearts love in their businesses and getting paid for it. I imagine their schedules are full with clients, workshops and they are passionately doing what they love! All this brings up so much inadequacy for me. I want to jump forward into the future and be in my practice where they are in theirs . I want to have clarity on how I want to be of service to humanity. I want to have all the clients I can possibly fit into my schedule. I want to be a finished product! A professional coach with a full practice!
The problem with that is I'm not accepting where I am now. At every stage of life there is a beginning, and I am at this beginning, just learning how to use my unique gifts in the world. Beginning to get paid for my natural gifts and educated talents. A Beginner at doing something that makes my heart sing and getting paid for it! A beginner at putting myself out into the world.
However, what I'm not a beginner at is being vulnerable. Being able to listen to people and hold space for their process. I am not a beginner at doing my own work. For 10 years I have been learning and searching and gathering any and all information I can find to make my life better. I have been my own coach for all these years as well as utilizing other coaches therapist, meditation practices, communication tools, finding all different kinds of approaches of healing from the inside out. Now I'm ready. Ready to say to the world: "this is me! I am here, I have been working hard on how to be in this world with an open heart full of love, to feel deeply, connect to others safely, love intimately and grow courageously. I am here world, telling you, I may be a baby turtle when it comes to some things and that with others I am a master!"