Hold me while I'm screaming

Waking up to screaming isn't fun. Especially if you're the one having the nightmare. Who I feel bad for, is my poor husband. I don't know how many dreams and nightmares he has had to wake up to in the last 5 years but I'm guessing it's been more than I can count. This dream tonight though had given me some real insight, as my dreams tend to do, about what I'm going through.

You see I have what Peter Levine, in his book Sexual Healing transforming the sacred wound calls, amnesia. There are very large chunks of my childhood and young adulthood I just don't remember at all. In this dream, I had started to go for a stroll around a pond or lake, I was walking in the light of the sun and there were people there enjoying the sun, I felt safe not being alone. Then when I got a quarter to a third of the way around, darkness came and followed me. It became like a thick fog covering me and started to engulf me. I got very scared and turned around to head back into the light. I was so scared I tried to scream, but nothing came out, I tried again, and again, then finally it came out and I woke up. Again in the loving arms of my concerned husband.

Here's the thing, I've had so many of these, but it's something you never get used to. My body shakes with screams and a deep cry of a little girl comes out. Jumbled words and nonsensical sentences, as well as me just repeating things over and over again. This is what happens when you're healing from childhood trauma. At least this is what I've read in the books I've studied on trauma. It's never fun to wake up this way and sometimes it can take hours for me to get into a safe place of feeling functional again.

So this morning, being able to write this only 45 minutes later after an episode, is a huge success. I don't have these nights every night. These days it's actually less and less but at the beginning stages 5 years ago it was happening days in a row. Sometime consistently every night for a week.

Back to the dream, to me it explains how scary my journey can be for me. Sometimes I'm just strolling along with people around I feel safe with, and then the darkness comes in, it rolls in with no warning and I try to turn around and run, I try to scream but I can't get it out for a while, most of the time, it's not until I feel safe again.

The darkness represents for me the parts of my mind that are unexplored. The parts forgotten. It's very scary to go into these places alone. Actually I don't recommend it. It's a journey I hope for all that have to take it, that they can take along someone who loves them. Someone who can make them feel safe enough to feel those dark places and someone with whom they feel safe enough to scream.

Like I mentioned in the dream I'm a quarter to a third of the way through the darkness now and I will finish my stroll, but not alone, with people holding my hand who love me, who can help me to feel safe and who will hold me while I'm screaming.