In the media and in the air, is a huge tidal wave of women coming out and telling their stories. Sometimes, they are stories that tell very long kept secrets of men abusing them.
So of course, lately, it has been coming up for me. Hence, deep in the woods of Finland this evening, I woke up with a huge amount of rage. I started doing a practice I learned from my therapist where I visualize the part in me that is feeling this way and let it do whatever it needs to do let the anger/rage out in my imagination. So to give you an example, it would be my 19-year-old part or my 16-year-old part. Part just means a part of me that specifically had the trauma and is still holding that energy of the trauma inside of my body/mind.
In my mind, I see a major cartoon-looking scene of me with knives, guns, boxing gloves etc. kicking screaming, cutting up, shooting or blowing up some cartoon figures that look like who I’m angry at. In this evening's scene there were a huge amount of my parts all together that wanted to get even with all the men who have abused them or currently feel oppressed by. (Clearing my throat) Let’s just say one of these men resembled a Cheeto.
After all my different internal parts and their individual arsenal of choice were done kicking ass and once all the rage was released, I started to feel deep sadness and wailed huge tears. Once the rage was gone, what was left was deep hurt and sadness from all of these parts in me that were taken advantage of. I was raped, first when I was 16 , by a boyfriend and again at 19, by roommate’s friend. Not to mention many other things I cannot discuss yet.
Saying this to people is really difficult. Honestly, I just didn’t want to be a person who was raped. Some part of me has been ashamed. Feelings of blame arise and almost a feeling of “I must have deserved this somehow?” What the FUCK? Why would I even think this way? I’ll tell you why, but I’m sure if you're a woman you can guess, because that is the messages I grew up with. That women ask for it if they dress a certain way or drink too much or the way men protected their asses when they got caught-”they wanted it!” Ahhhhh! I’m so outraged just thinking about how many messages I got to keep my mouth shut.
So that’s what I did of course! I kept quiet, never pressed charges or even faced the men who did this to me. I actually saw them, spoke with them and was even friends with one afterwards. If you're not thinking what the hell, yet, I’m surprised. Because hearing me say this, I am!
To be fair, I think men get these messages too. Protect your friends. “Bros before hoes,” was a saying when I was growing up. It’s terrible, the messaging both sexes got. Women were to keep quiet and men were to protect each other.
But that’s over now. We are in a new time. I’m in my first stages of coming out right now and I really have no idea what I’ll be guided to do next. The first thing is to share my story.
My name is Laura Doctor, once Laura Price, and I was raped.