"Is the resistance I feel in my partner a resistance in me?" This is the question I'm guided to today during my regular daily feelings practice. If you are new to my blogs, a feeling practice is where you sit with a place in you body and deeply connect to give space for any unresolved feelings to come up. Then you meet those feeling with compassion and understanding. So, today I feel an overwhelming sense of resistance in my body. Feeling it, I feel my resistance to my partner's resistance to me when I come in to be close with him.
Sometimes people's affection levels are different. Depending on how you were raised, your particular culture, and many other contributors, we all have varying ideas regarding the affection we want and need, as well as what feels appropriate in public or in front of other people.
I have been experiencing myself moving towards my partner to be intimate, for a kiss, or a hug, and my partner pulling away from me or having some sort of excuse for not getting close. This is a painful experience about which I was totally confused until now.
As I sit with the resistance in my body I feel into the experience of my partner resisting me. The discomfort of it is terrible, to say the least. But it's here so there must be a reason, and I feel into it. As I feel it, it shows me a story. A journey into my childhood where I saw my dad resisting my mother's affection. I can feel that this resistance feels normal and somehow comfortable to me when I experience it from my partner.
It still doesn't feel good, but it does feel familiar. "How disappointing," I think. "All this time I thought it was my partner's problem with intimacy, but now it turns out it's mine."
Well unfortunately and fortunately this happens to me very often. I recognize that my partner is being a mirror for me regarding what I feel I deserve or how I expect to be treated instead of how I desire or think I deserve to be treated.
What to do? Well for me I'm first going to feel my feelings about this whole situation all the way through and then have a heart to heart with my partner about what I discovered. I want to relate to him how painful it is and what my true desires are for intimacy.
It's unresolved, disowned and forgotten parts of ourselves that can ruin our relationships. Once we start to recognize that many decisions about life, relationship and generally everything, have already been made at a very young age. We can start to unravel those thoughts, feelings and beliefs that have buried and disowned. Then we have the freedom to react differently and establish new ways we want to be treated, and share that vision with our loved ones.
Wishing you peace and harmony on your personal healing journey.
If you can relate to this article or have your own story to share of seeing your past play into your present, please leave a comment here. Sharing is healing for our hearts.