My trauma. No matter what community I belonged to in the past, no matter how spiritual focused or otherwise, the one thing that always followed me was my trauma. Every group I belonged to would always end up the same way: with me disillusioned, disappointed and devastated.
Someone in the community would do something to betray my trust and boom I was down the same old rabbit hole. It’s not easy to look at ourselves and take responsibility for our lives or even the pain that has been so called caused by others. I’m not saying the people who harmed me didn’t, no, but I am saying my reaction and my reasoning at the time of the pain was a deeper response to my own trauma.
Had I realized that at the time, I would have been able to see why I responded so strongly and I believe I would have been able to act more appropriately or more like an adult and less like a hurt child. Maybe I would have been able to have a conversation with the people who hurt me and ask for what I needed and mend the hurt. But because I didn’t have that skill at the time I usually just walked away from the persons who harmed me without any explanation. Although sometimes if you have tried to talk to the person and they are not willing to talk it out, that is the only option.
Another way to look at it is: I never would have had that painful experience in the first place if I didn’t have the trauma I had pulling these situations to me like a magnet. But because I had a deep wound that involved someone hurting me deeply who I trusted as a child, the cycle kept coming around. Over and over to stimulate that same wound to be healed.
The belief is, there is no one I can trust. People close to me can hurt me and I am helpless to do anything about it. Wow, that realization is difficult to swallow but that is it. In a nutshell. Breaking my heart over and over.
The pain has been excruciating as I’ve learned to let go of that belief. But it is my work to do. I don’t want to continue these patterns; they hurt not only me but continue the cycle of pain in the world too. At least this is what I believe.
Because now that I’m doing trauma work with a therapist, I can see how this feeling I had during each reenactment I created I ended feeling the exact same way. That I couldn’t trust people and they will eventually hurt me when I’m vulnerable and I will be helpless to do anything about it.
Ugggg it’s so heavy even saying it. Like a huge weight I’ve been carrying around my neck dragging me down the same road to carry it over and over. Having the awareness is good but I’m not yet totally free of the weight and the belief. What I am clear about is that I won’t continue the patterns of getting into new community, friendships and relationships in general until I feel strong enough to stick up for myself when I feel hurt.
Unintentional and intentional hurt happens in relationships; that’s just part of life. What’s different for me now is I realize I don’t have to stay in painful relationships. What I’m still learning is how to navigate the pain once I am feeling hurt in a relationship.
For now, I at least can feel confident I am working with the root cause of this issue. Finally building peace from the wreckage of painful past relationships.