Trust where have you gone? I miss you. I’m much happier when you’re here. The loneliness doesn't feel so lonely. The hurt doesn't hurt quite so much. Trust where are you? Can you please come back into my heart?
Trust has not always been a companion. I've gone through several big waves of betrayal that have blown my ability to trust out of the water. Most recently, I learned about something that happened in my family’s past that caused me to question my identity and the relationships I had built around it. When it is time for the details of that story to emerge publicly, it will. For now, I withhold the details out of respect for family members. What is important to share is that I realized that when I was in my teens, I was in a shockingly similar situation, twice. The things that I experienced as a child and infant, went deep into my psyche and I recreated them in my young adulthood. These two scenarios involved deep breaches of trust, for all involved. This seems like a crazy coincidence, but in psychology it’s called reenactment. It basically means subconsciously I knew and felt the truth of this situation I was born into and recreated it. In Shamanism, it's called living the legacy. Viewed as a legacy, you could say this issue was passed down because it was left unresolved and it wants to be healed so it doesn't have to keep being passed down my family lineage.
I choose to heal this by letting these secrets out into the light: sharing these legacies with my nieces and any members of the family that are ready to face the truth. Legacies thrive in the darkness, surrounded by shame and guilt. Secrets can ruin marriages and if kept hidden, can slowly poison all relationships because the truth is not being dealt with.
I’m not proud of the mistakes I've made but I know now from making them, facing them, and sharing them, especially with my loved ones who don’t judge me. They accept me completely and know that I am not perfect. When I can accept that I am not perfect, my mother is not perfect, my father is not perfect, then I have no right to expect perfection from anyone. It's an unreasonable ask that I've discovered only causes me pain and suffering to be attached to.
My goal is to see the imperfection in myself, in my family, friends and the world as an opportunity to have compassion for people in all kinds of circumstances. Loving unconditionally without judgement is the way to heal myself, my family and the world.
Trust, you have been a close companion. When you’re here, my life is definitely better. Please always come back to me. Even if you have to go away. Trust, I have missed you. Although I know you may not be here to stay, I’m glad to have you back for a while. In my heart you're always living. It's just hard to hear you sometimes. When my love is so far away.